Time is Precious
by LadyBarlow
Summary: Nick and Zoe story. Based on current storylines and what I think may happen in future storylines featuring these characters.Hopefully Ill finish it in time before they actually adress the issues in the series itself. First ever fic, sorry if its crap
1. Chapter 1

_**Zoe and Nick story. This is based on current storylines and what i may think may happen in the future as I HATE reading spoilers on future episodes. Slight spoilers for current episodes. I better hurry up and write this one incase they do something similar in the series. My friend and i have wagers on storylines and how they may end up I have a bety riding on this one :). This is my FIRST EVER fic so be kingd and sorry if its crap. **_

CHAPTER 1

I awoke to the familiar, irritating beeping sound that rung through my ears like an air raid evacuation alarm. I was on call yet again and I knew it was early as the usual piercing summer sunlight was not bursting through the venetian blinds. I felt like Id been in bed for like an hour and did not want to get out. Suddenly I am aware of the presence next to me, still not quite used to awaking in someones arms. I feel his big strong arm wrap around my body and his thumb begin to ring circles around my naked shoulder. He doesnt make it easy for me to want to get up. This soft, tender touch just sends shivers through every inch of my body wanting, aching, needing to be with him yet knowing I have to get out of our cocoon and face everyday life. When I thought it was safe to move without stirring him again, I leant over and grabbed my pager.

NEED YOU HERE ASAP. SHORT STAFFED DR WINTERS SICK. AS SOON AS YOU CAN. ADAM

TUT how frustrating I thought to myself. I pulled the silk sheets back and began to climb out of bed when I felt a huge pair of arms entangle my naked body and pull me back down to him. I could feel his skin against mine, his sweat and his pure desire to have me there and then. He had pulled me on top of him and I propped myself up with my elbow. His hand came up to my face, tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear and tenderly stroked my cheek.

"God you are beautiful" he said.

"Sorry I didnt mean to wake you, i was trying to be careful" I whispered

"As soon as you moved I was awake. Dont ever leave without saying goodbye ok?" I thought this was a very strange thing for Nick to say. He was not usually the romantic type when it came to words. He was stern and to the point, well he used to be. He was becoming a bit more transparent and forthcoming these days when it came to his feelings, or maybe I just knew the real him now. No more stupid games. We didnt have time to waste. Our time was precious.

"tut dont be daft Nick, I gotta get in the shower. As much as i would love to stay here with you, I have been summned by Doctor Trueman..." I thought id be casual and just shrug it off. I couldnt even begin to think about the saying goodbye thing at this time of day.

"OK, of course the ED is more important" He pulled my face towards him and tenderly kissed my lips once and then again. The third time I felt his tongue brush on them and I parted my lips to allow our tongues to meet and entwine. Phew! Now I really didnt want to leave him.

"Trust you to say something like that Mr Jordan" and with that I kissed his head and climbed out of bed. He then cheekily slapped my bum, winked and said "seeya later Dr Hanna"

I then went about my everyday morning ritual. I got into the shower with all my products, that Nick always took the piss out of me for, and began to cleanse and tone and scrub. I suddenly began to feel quite faint and dizzy. I had to hold onto the wall to steady myself. I was undergoing fertility treatment ever since Nick had mentioned having a family. I hadnt had the heart to tell him I was pretty much barren, a useless set of mechanics inside a hardworking exterior. I had a one in 4 chance with the new treatment and I would give everything up, just to be able to have a child with Nick. To have something precious to share with him for the short time I have him with me, and something I can treasure and nurture after he has gone. A child that has part of Nick inside it would be a miracle to me. I felt a small tear trickle down my face and as i looked up my head was spinning. The doctor had mentioned that the increased dose of fertility drugs could make me feel like this and worse but I was willing to take a chance. Anything to have that miracle. I began to feel extremely nautious and felt the feeling rising up my stomach. I needed to get to the toilet and fast. As I jumped out of the shower I lost my balance, knocked over a vase on the side and sent all my products flying everywhere. I felt sure Nick would have woken, but all i cared about was getting to the toilet.

"ZO, ZOE? Are u ok?" I heard him pounding towards the bathroom.

"err.. yep Im blleerrghhhh" and I threw up into the toilet bowl just as he burst through the door, impecable timing zoe, I thought.

"Hey, hey whats all this? Are you ok?" I had begun crying now at the sheer embarrasment of Nick seeing and hearing me throw up last nights dinner. He went over to the sink and wet a flannel with cold water. He sat down next to me wiping the tears from my cheeks before handing me the flannel. He then began to rub my back.

"Are you ok? How do you feel? I cant think what could have brought it on you only had 2 glasses of red with last nights dinner. " He asked concerned

"I just went faint and lost my balance and... I feel...I... Feel BLEERRGHHHH" He winced as I threw up once more "Sick" I finished. I then saw his mind ticking over, like cogs in a gigantic grandfather clock processing the information and coming up with a diagnosis.

"At which part of your menstruation cycle are you at?" He asked in his stern, doctor voice.

"Jesus Nick, Im not your patient" I said as I snatched the flannel back from him to wipe my face. I saw a smerk and then a full blown smile appear on his face,

"Sorry. Well when was your last period? This sounds a lot like morning sickness to me Zo" he was pratically glowing. Oh god he thought I was pregnant. I knew I definately wasn't. I had just finished my last period and had only visited the doctor 2 days previously for more injections. I tried to sneak my night shifts in when I was on my period, as it was easier to disguise it using the Im too tired, I dont want sex routine. I am a vile, dishonest person. I was here again lying to the man I love. Just like last time with his illness, I thought I was doing the right thing and I ended up creating more thought began to upset me and I needed to get out of the apartment and away from him.

"Look Im fine ok Im sure its nothing I need to call Adam and get dressed you go back to sleep now its 4:30am." With that I literally pushed him backwards with the force in which I jumped up, and headed towards the bedroom where i quickly dressed in my "Professional Doctor" clothing. In the kitchen, I gulped my coffee down to take away the awful aftertaste of sick and last nights dinner and listened for him getting back into bed. Once I heard the bed creak I was outta the door in a dash grabbing my bag

"Seeya later Nick" I yelled

"Hey wait I love..." I didnt hear the "You" that almost certainly finished his sentance as the slamming of the door blocked it out. Oh god he would know something was wrong I needed to think of an excuse and pronto. The minute he was concious from his next few hours of rest he would be on that phone to see if I was ok. I had a few hours of resus and excuse thinking ahead of me...


	2. Chapter 2

_**Apologies for the typos and spelling in the first chapter, I did spell check and proof read but it didnt save :( I know the characters are a bit soppy but I thought it was time we had some romance from my fave couple as they have had so much heart ache, although its not all plain sailing folks... Oh and its from Zoes POV, I forgot that bit in my summary. its been a while guys I have a full time job in the world of fashion. Looking good takes time and money xx**_

CHAPTER 2

I had seen several patients come in and out of the ED mostly with minor injuries and ailments nothing that needed my full concentration, luckily for them. I had my "all over the place" Zoe head on today professionalism had gone right out of the window. Adam hadn't really noticed as he was too transfixed on the F2s and the fact that we were short staffed. The morning had progressed on without me really noticing as I was too busy concentrating on what I could tell nick about the latest drama our relationship faced. I need to tell him the truth, but I couldn't wipe that happiness from his face. It was like his soul had come alive again and he was thankful i had prolonged his life, the grudge he once carried had lifted. If only I could give him this baby it would right all the wrong and crap I had already caused and he may finally forgive me for signing that damn consent form. I had managed to squeeze in 2 coffee breaks, decaf of course, and went outside to "passive smoke" seen as I was off the cigarettes to try and help the fertility treatment. I was just looking through the results of a patients CT scan daydreaming about what flamboyant story i could master next when the familiar ring tone echoed through the nurses station. Queens of the Stone age blasted out of my phone and made me jump, it was Nick. "Here goes" I thought be calm, unconcerned...

"Hiya you Ok?"

"Am I OK, shouldn't I be asking you since you dashed off so quickly" He wasnt happy.

"Yeah sorry about that Adam was going on at me to hurry and be supportive to my clinical lead as I was quite capable of being one myself and..."

"Zoe, whats wrong?" He cut me off "Look if you're scared about having this baby then you know Ill be right here with you we need to talk about it" Oh god! Was I scared about having this baby? THIS BABY? I'm not even bloody pregnant this is going to be tougher than I thought, I cant do this to him.

"Look Im not scared of anything Nick, its probably just a bad reaction to your cooking or something. Dont worry about it ok Im fine now." I hoped i was convincing.

"Well I wasn't puking and fainting this morning Zo and I ate my cooking, I think you need to face up to the most obvious answer..." Nope not convinced at all.

"Look Nick I gotta go we just had an RTA come through to resus and we are rushed off our feet. Adam is yelling for me."

"Dont do this, dont push me away I thought this was what you wanted, a baby OUR baby!"

"I gotta go Ill see ya after work." I hung up I didn't give him the chance to say bye. That's it he is convinced I am pregnant and I have done nothing, not one damn thing towards being honest with him. Yeah sorry Nick I lied to you from the beginning i cant actually have children so the one reason i could give u to fight for your life, has been taken away from you. How could I be such a bitch to him?

"DR HANNA! I need you in here NOW! Come on get your head together" Adam yelled through the crash doors. So off I went all professional and doctor like when inside I was screaming. Of course I want *OUR* baby did he really think I didn't? I want nothing more than to have his children and for us BOTH to watch them grow up, go to university and no doubt be some top brain surgeon if it was up to Nick. However, in reality that was not going to happen. Why do I always manage to get myself into a mess? First there was the patient with the injection that i managed to kill and Nick took the flack for me. Then there was the consent form followed by that wonderful decision on my part to have a one night stand with a fifteen year old who proceeded to blackmail me over patient files., and who was there to sort that one out? Nick Jordan. Wonderful Nick Jordan. That's it! I make really bad decisions and everything I touch turns to shit! I had to get my mind of this and concentrate on what i was doing and focus on my patient. I couldn't think about this any longer.

After the RTA patient had been stabilised and sent off to a ward within the hospital, I decided it was time for my lunch break, although lunch should've happened a while ago. I grabbed a coffee and went and sat in the staff area. Nobody was in there which i was glad about as I needed time to sort my head out. I sat down pretending to read the latest copy of OK magazine, knowing nick would not approve. He would say "A doctor should read something with intelligence not some celebrity nonsense" Nick with his boring classical opera music and his pretentious broadsheet newspaper. I smiled at the thought as i knew i wouldn't have him any other way. I stood up to grab my fruit salad from the kitchen side, when everything felt fuzzy again. I felt really dizzy, although this time my vision began to blur and I was seeing a bizarre picture in front of me. It was just like someone had switched a TV on and the picture was snowy due to the poor reception. That's when I realised I was about to collapse. I tried to steady myself as I felt my legs go from under me, followed by a massive blow to the head. It felt like someone had hit me on the side of the head with a sledge hammer and shattered my skull into a thousand fragile pieces. Then i was out cold...

"ZOE! ZOE! Jesus what happened here? Can you hear me Zoe its Adam" then a pause, "Can someone get me some help in here wheres Charlie?" My eyes opened as I tried to focus on what was happening around me. My head was pounding and I felt nauseous. I knew I was going to be sick, and tried to turn my head so i didnt swallow it back down and choke, but the pain was unbearable.

"OK Zoe its OK. Can you hear me? I think you have had a bang to the head. You have a substantial cut to the side of your head and you maybe suffering from concussion. I need you to stay awake and talk to me." I couldn't hear myself think let alone talk due to the pounding in my head and ears. I needed Nick. But he would think it was to do with the baby, the baby that didn't exist. I had to be selfish yet again I needed him by my side. I gathered up all my strength and lifted my arm to grab Adam's to get his attention.

"AA...AAddaaaamm... Ggget Nick... I..IImm nn..not pregnant...nnnoo...nniicckk" Then everything faded to black like the editing at the end of some b movie.

"Charlie, please can you call Mr Jordan RIGHT NOW and inform him what has happened. Lenny we need a cubicle IMMEDIATELY GO!"...

_**ooohhhh hope someone is enjoying reading this as much as I am writing it he he. What will happen to Zoe? What will Nick think? stay tuned to find out. **_


	3. Chapter 3

**_Glad you are liking this guys. Im on rubbish shifts at work and its the weekend (aka party time) so sorry it has taken longer than I wanted it to. Hopefully this will be posted before the next episode. Thanks for your reviews, it makes me carry on. _**

**_CHAPTER 3_**

I don't have any concept of time right now but I could feel myself waking up out of a daze. I didn't feel the cold floor on my back, so gathered I at least must be in a bed. The pain in my head seemed a lot less thunderous, but I did still have a sick feeling in my stomach. I opened my eyes slowly and saw Nick and Adam talking at the end of the bed. Nick was blurry but when he came into focus I noticed he was wearing a grey hoody and trackies. He would NEVER come into the ED looking like this, he must have been really worried. These were his chill out clothes, when it was just me and him lounging on the sofa watching some boring documentary and sipping wine. I decided to close my eyes again and try and eavesdrop on what they were saying, as they seemed to be having a heated debate.

"Look Adam, this is our private lives for god sake and Im telling you here and now that she's more than likely pregnant. She needs to be tested." Nick looked angry

"I hear you Nick, Ido but you weren't here. She specifically said that she wasn't pregnant. She asked for me to get you and then said she wasn't pregnant. Why would she say that to me? She obviously wanted me to tell you."

"Well she nearly fainted this morning and was suffering from severe morning sickness so you tell me Doctor Trueman what would you diagnose if it was any other patient? We have been trying for a baby for a long while but I didn't want every detail of our relationship plastered all over the ED." Nick's voice was stern, yet he was trying to lower his voice to remain unheard from out side the curtain.

"I think we should at least wait until she can speak for herself dont you?"

"NO! She asked for me and I'm telling you NOW I'm going to order some blood tests to be done to find out about the pregnancy!" He was shouting now. I decided it was time to turn down the heat on the conversation and open my eyes and try and speak.

"nn..ooooo" I uttered. "IIIIts OOkk"

"Zoe oh thank god," Nick dashed to my side and grabbed by hand. "What have you been doing to yourself? If you wanted me to come in and cover you shouldve just asked instead of creating all this. Anything to get out of work ey?" He smiled as did I. He Lent forward and kissed my head. "Looks like we are going to have matching scars on our heads as well"

"How are you feeling?" Adam asked

"OK still feel a little sick but the pain in my head has gone thank god. Looks like I've still got my pain in the bum though." I joked and playfully punched Nick in the arm. He laughed and I felt his thumb circling rings around my hand as he held it. I had managed to lighten the mood for the minute.

"Im sure you will be fine you have slight concussion from the bang on your head and stitches to the laceration. Just be careful ok and Ill leave you two to have a chat." I saw Adam make eyes at Nick at the end of his sentence and with that he was gone.

Nick picked my hand up and kissed it. I have to tell him now I need to be honest.

"You had me worried there Dr Hanna. We dont seem to have a good head between us do we." He smiled again and then came the question I was dreading, "Zoe whats going on? Is it the baby?"

"I need to tell you something" I paused. This was going to be the second hardest thing I've had to do, besides signing the consent form. It was going to crush him.

"Spit it out, Im all ears" He said in his best Nick Jordan voice.

"This is difficult. Well I started to go dizzy and felt really sick and then i fainted. It was exactly like this morning but I just lost it and fainted. I must have cracked my head on the corner of the worktop on the way down.."

"I think we need to get you tested Zo these are classic signs of pregnancy and we need to be careful at your age that there isnt something wrong with the baby, or you for that matter and..."

"STOP! please will you just listen to me for one bloody minute" I was getting angry at him now. When he gets something in his head he does not like to be proven wrong.

"I havent been entirely honest with you about the whole baby thing."

"Honesty, not one of your strong points is it." He was suspicious but It just wound me up even more when he came out with his cocky nick Jordan comments.

"Oh and your the picture of honesty arent you sorry I forgot that you were entirely honest with me from the start about your tumour and you didnt wait till I after I saw you have a seizure to tell me about it for christ sake."

"Just tell me Zoe" He had let go of my hand. He knew what was coming was bad news.

"Well I found out some time ago that it is highly unlikely I will ever be able to carry children." He moved off the bed with a look on his face of total disbelief.

"Im sorry I didnt tell you but Ive been going to a fertility clinic and have been undergoing treatment to try and help the problem. I went back again because it wasnt working and I was given a much higher dose. The sickness and fainting is a side effect of that treatment not because im carrying a baby ok?" There Id done it I just awaited his reaction to my news. He rubbed his forhead with his hand, something Nick always did when he was thinking and annoyed at the same time. He shook his head.

"Well I look like a total fool now dont I? If you had told me about being barren we could have looked at other options together, theres adoption, fostering. But no you decide to lie and pretend everything is fine because you are Zoe Hanna and you turn everything into one big bloody mess...We're talking about a baby here not one of your drunken mistakes... Pregant ! You let me think you were pregnant JUST LIKE YOU LET ME THINK I WAS GOING OUT OF MY MIND THE LAST TIME YOU LIED TO ME!" He ripped the curtain open with so much force he snapped the hooks off the rail. The look on his face as he left was one that I will never forget. Hurt. Sheer hurt. What had I done? I just ruined the best thing Ive ever had in my life. Tears flowed freely out of my eys and stung my cheeks.

"Zoe are you ok? Whats happened I heard Nick yelling." Adam said concerned.

"Ive ruined everything Adam. Its all gone to hell"

_**Well guys I am writing this on a Saturday night when I should be watching Casualty because the stupid BBC have put a crap football game on that nobody cares about. England are out therefore there is no world cup, period. I have flat blank refused to watch the BBC in protest for them disregarding our show so easily. I want, no NEED my weekly Adam Trueman/Nick Jordan fest. Sorry. RANT OVER. Hope you are still enjoying. **_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Phew I think Ive gotten over the drama of a Casualty free Saturday! I was getting that desperate for a Doctor fix I nearly drove down to my local A and E dept LOL! Here's the next chapter... enjoy**_

CHAPTER 4

I had laid and stewed in bed for a while. Adam had managed to calm me down in the end, although the entire ED now knew the ins and outs of my private life. I had kept checking my phone for any signs from Nick, but nothing. I had not seen him this annoyed with me in a long time and I most certainly had never seen the hurt that had been so evident in his eyes. His eyes actually filled up, until the anger took over and he raged at me like a man possessed. Well this was most certainly the end of what had been the best relationship of my life. I could have played the safe option and gone with Matt, Mr Perfect. But like I said to Nick its strange what makes me happy and Mr perfect wasn't the man that made me smile. Sure he played his role really well, someone for me to use to get Nick jealous and to fulfill my everyday needs. Hey a woman has needs just as much as any man. But that was all he was. Instead I opted for the arrogant, egotistical, brilliant man that was Nick Jordan. Just watching him day in day out across the ED made my stomach turn in knots. I ached for that man to be mine, and in the end I got him, and now Ive lost him. This thought made the tears form once more and I needed to get out of the ED and go home. Home. My home was now at Nick's home and all my worldly possessions were there. I decided I was going to go home and collect some stuff, and go back to my actual house. I do not do facing up to my problems, he should know that by now. With that I got up from the bed and went to my office to get my jacket, bag and car keys hopefully without Adam noticing me. I managed to slip in and out really easily, bingo I thought. I just got out of the doors when I heard:

"Zoe. Dr Hanna? Where the hell do you think you're going?" It was Adam he continued, "You have concusssion and shouldnt be driving or at least you shouldn't be alone."

"Ha I better get used to being alone hadn't I?" was my reply. I carried on towards my mini ignoring Adam's ranting.

"Please Zoe let me call Nick..."

"I think I can quite safely say that that bird has well and truly flown" I turned my CD player up full blast, pulled on my Dior sunglasses and sped off. I saw Adam on his mobile phone as I looked through my rear view mirror. He would be ringing Nick "Nick I don't know what the hell is going on with you two but Zoe has just sped off on her own in the car and she is in no position to drive." Nick's reply would be "She's not my responsibility anymore Dr Trueman" Oh the thought of it angered me to the bone and I slammed my foot down on the accelerator in response. My tyres screeched as I went round the corner and my head started to thump once more.

After the drive home that even Michael Schumacher would've been proud of, I pulled up in the garage and parked in our designated spot. I climbed the stairs to the apartment in anticipation, ready for whatever onslaught of abuse he would throw my way. I opened the door and slowly walked in. I couldn't see him. I walked round the apartment calling his name, he wasn't there. He had been home though because his joggers were thrown on the bed as he must have hastily got dressed. Everything was still in its place, he hadn't erased me just yet. I went into the kitchen to get some headache tablets, and walked by the wine rack. I looked over and thought about it and then remembered the fertility treatment. No drinking or smoking for me. Oh to hell with it, I thought, its not like I'm going to be needing that anymore. I quickly selected a bottle of red and sat at the dining room table. I opened the blinds so I could stare out of the window and people watch.

I did intend to only have the one glass, but after the third it was tasting so sweet. My headache had gone and I felt numb, as opposed to the ache and gut wrenching emptiness I had felt before. I got up and decided to put some music on his ever so expensive surround sound stereo system. I ejected the drawer to find some classical opera crap in the player and proceeded to discard it across the room like a piece of trash. I then replaced it with some good old fashioned rock and roll, Oasis banged out of the speakers and I began singing along to champagne supernova. I went into the kitchen to get another bottle of wine and stopped by the bedroom door. I could see his crumpled up hoody and remembered how gorgeous he looked in it. Nick Jordan all relaxed, not troubled and anxious. The worry lines on his forehead always faded when he wore that hoody. I went over to the bed, picked it up and smelt it. It smelt just like him. It was at this moment in time that I realised how much I actually loved this man. I didn't want to be without him, EVER. Yet one day soon, I would be. He would be gone and I wouldn't be able to feel his touch anymore or be the brunt of his sarcasm. I wouldn't be able to wake in his arms or breathe in this scent. I put the jumper on over my work shirt and removed my skirt to feel more comfy. The jumper was so big on me it acted as a dress anyway. I then returned to my seat by the window and put my feet up. I put my arms around my legs to hold them up and rested my head on my knees. I used to do this when I felt lonely. I did it as a form of protection, to protect myself from whatever was going on around me. I don't know how long I was like this but I suddenly sensed a presence behind me. I knew exactly what it was. It was Nick. As I turned and looked behind me, I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the window. What a state. I had mascara tracks running down my cheeks from where I had been crying, and my hair was all ruffled. He looked so hurt and I didn't know what to say. Angry I could handle, i could pack my things and go, but hurt? How do i deal with hurt?

"Zoe what are you doing? You should not have driven home or be on your own right now" Nick said softly.

"Like you care if I'm alone or not, I better get used to it." I replied angrily I couldn't look him in the eye. Best form of defense push him away.

"I cant stand self pity Zoe its a very ugly trait." He moved closer to me and I pulled my legs closer into my body.

"Well I'm no use to you anymore am I? So you don't need to pretend this is something its not, you don't HAVE to care anymore." He moved quickly towards me, grabbed the glass out of my hand and slammed it on the table. It broke in his big strong hand.

"Ow shit!" he winced and then it was like he remembered what he had stormed over to me to say.

"Of course I care you idiot! I wish I didn't. I wish this was some bit of fun work thing that I could just put down as quick as I picked up..." I stood up and interrupted.

"Do you know what Nick you're right. Thats exactly what this is. So lets not pretend anymore. You were the hard catch, and I like to work hard for my prey and I was the last fling on your list of things to do..."

"SHUT UP!" He yelled and he grabbed my arm, "It should be me that's angry with you. You lied to me again Zoe. I thought we were done with all the games and dishonesty. I thought we really had something here." He was holding my hand now and I hadn't realised Id started crying again.

"What do you want me to say Nick? I'm sorry I'm barren and cant give you what you want. Don't you think that I would give anything, *ANYTHING* to be able to give you a child. To make it up to you for all the shit I have caused you so you might finally forgive me for what I did. Id exchange my life to give it you Nick, but I cant EVEN DO THAT RIGHT!" I yelled in a mixture of tears, sobs and anger. I pulled away from him and tried to storm off. When I got to the other side of the room, I realised he had followed me. I felt his hand on my shoulder and he turned me around and stood back. He looked at me up and down with such sadness in his eyes. It was right there that I saw him, all barriers down, no ego, just my Nick. I felt terrible and could only mouth to him,

"I'm sorry, so sorry" The floods of tears cascaded out of my eyes one more time. He stepped towards me and held open his arms. He shook his head and said "Tut come here" With that I collapsed into his arms shaking as he stroked my hair. "Shhhhhh its ok" he said tenderly as I wrapped my arms around his back. We held each other there and then and finally let each other in...

_**Aww that was hard to write, Ive got headache now. Probably not really true to character but I tried.. be kind :) please. **_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Well looks like im predicting well so far. :) judging by last nights episode. No Adam tho :( Hope someone is still into this... Possibly may contain a spoiler for upcoming episodes but I dont know. Unfortunately Im not psychic just guessing what will happen...**_

CHAPTER 5

I had been settled on the sofa for a while. I had changed into my comfy clothes, but left Nick's hoody on. We hadn't really said much after we had held each other and he had gone to make coffees what seemed like an age ago. I was fiddling with the zip on his hoody and thinking about things. I remembered he had cut his hand when he had smashed the glass so I went to get the first aid kit from the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror as I passed by and wiped the mascara streaks away. I felt totally drained because my emotions had been on overdrive these last couple of days. Maybe Nick had been right all along when he said that He and I were very similar creatures and we would never settle down. I do love Nick with all my heart but is this really me? Settling down with a man, sharing my life, having kids. Have I tried to turn myself into something I'm not? The Zoe Hanna I know would be out in the pub, guzzling wine and having a good time with the man I was "seeing" not playing the housewife card. Ive tried really hard to do this, but maybe tonight the mask has finally shattered and the old me has come back to the surface.

I returned to the sofa and sat down. I placed the first aid kit down by my side. Nick came out of the kitchen and placed the drinks down on the table then sat on the coffee table in front of me with his legs either side of mine.

"We do have plenty of suitable chairs for you to sit on you know." I said. He took hold of my hands and stroked them with his thumbs

"Yeah but they are so far away from you, this way I can see you properly" I took hold of his hand and ran my finger over the dry blood left from the cut. He winced and smiled.

"Let me get a look at that." I pulled his hand onto my lap.

"I'm fine Zoe leave it" He said trying to pull his hand away.

"Mr Jordan please can you be a cooperative patient. I have the bed side manner of a wet mop as you well know. Keep your hand still"

"Sorry doctor" He winked at me. I loved it when he winked. He used to do it all the time in the ED when we had gotten together the first time around. I swear he could get me to do anything with that wink. I cleaned the cut with an antiseptic wipe and managed to pull out the tiny shards of glass. I then put a dressing on and as I stuck the final part down I felt his finger go under my chin to lift my head so i was looking directly in his eyes. We then kissed. Not roughly or passionately like we usually did but softly and tenderly. He pulled away and looked back at me.

"Itll be ok you know." With that I found myself feeling like he had put me under a trance as I stared into his eyes. I needed to snap out of this before it was too late.

"Yeah I know it will." I stood and picked up the remains of the first aid kit, "I managed to get all the glass out of it so you should be fine now" I walked into the kitchen and put down the box. I put my hand to my forehead trying not to think too much, but my brain hurt.

"Come on Zoe, you know full well I didn't mean my hand, and thank you by the way." We both smiled. I sat down on the work surface.

"And there are plenty of suitable chairs at the breakfast bar Dr Hanna you don't need to sit on my marble work top"

"Oh its *YOUR* marble work top now is it and very funny sarky" I replied. He was trying to lighten my mood, to get me to open up. He sat on a stool at the breakfast bar opposite me. "So, you going to tell me about this fertility treatment you have been having or am I going to have to google it?"

"Its nothing really just a course of injections and tablets that I have been taking. They make me feel really sick, especially in the mornings Ive found recently. I have damaged tissue in my womb this is suppossed to help me. With emphasis on the SUPPOSED" I sighed and sipped some coffee.

"1 in 4 you say. You see from what I have learnt from fertility treatment, the sickness comes after you take the injection, not just in the morning and there's only a slight hint that fainting can be a side effect..."

"Nick..." I knew where he was going with this.

"What? I'm just saying."

"Well don't. I told you I'm not. I did a test not long ago and I haven't skipped a period." Why wont he drop it? I thought to myself. He stood up and walked over to me. He stood in between my legs and pushed my hair behind my ear. He then cupped my face and and stroked my cheek with his thumb, the way he always did.

"Well how long is not long ago huh? It only takes one time you know. Is this not what you want? You and me, house, garden and a couple of little doctors running around." I tried to interrupt him and he put his finger to my lips to shush me, and then kissed me.

"We can go on holidays together, take them to the beach, buy them ice cream. " My eyes started to glaze over. Did he really not get it? I'm sitting here telling him i cant have kids and hes painting a picture of family happiness together. I cant give him that and he just doesn't get it. How do i make him understand? Its just too much pressure i cant be the Zoe he wants me to be. Its not that i wont be that Zoe, I CANT BE! I cant physically do this anymore.

"Itll be ok Zoe, one way or another. It will be Me, you and them. Just me and you..." Thats it I cant take anymore. I pushed him backwards and jumped off the side.

"But it wont Nick will it, it wont be me and you because *YOU* wont be here! Ultimately its gonna be ME just *ME* and I think that's the way it needs to be from now on. I cant do this anymore. I cant do the baby thing, the relationship thing its just not me, Im sorry." I had raised my voice at him and started to put on my shoes.

"Woah hey, hey wheres this coming from. Where you going?" Nick looked so confused. He tried to come towards me but I held up my hand for him to back away.

"Im sorry. I cant do this anymore. Its like you said in the beginning. Me and you are similar creatures Nick. Similar in that we will never settle down. This life is just not me and Im sure its not you either. Im so sorry."

"But.. wait" with that I was out the door once more. As soon as i knew he couldn't see me anymore the tears started free falling from my eyes. I ran to the car. It was the middle of the night and I hadn't quite realised. I needed to get away and fast. I was really glad id had the coffee to sober me up a little and it was then i realised I would get my licence taken away if i was stopped by the police. The alcohol would be in my system. I didn't care anymore I just needed to go home.

I managed to get home without being caught, luckily for me. I opened the door and quickly shut it behind me I then lent against the wall. What had i done? Why did I do that? I love this man with all my heart but I couldn't be with him like that. I couldn't give him what he wanted, what we both wanted and it boiled down to me being alone. On my own dealing with losing him. What if we did have kids? How would I tell them that their daddy is poorly and cant see them, play with them? How would I tell them their daddy was dead? With that thought I broke down and totally lost it. I slid down the wall and collapsed in a heap behind the door sobbing uncontrollably.

I couldn't be with him, but it hurt like hell to be without him.

**_ooohhh what will happen next? On or off? For anyone who doesnt know what "sarky" means, it means sarcastic. I think this maybe a northern saying. We use it in yorkshire, and my Liverpudlian friend does hense why I used it for Zoe. Keep those reviews coming if you want me to carry on._**


	6. Chapter 6

_**So glad you are liking this thanks for the reviews, it does make me carry on. So heres the next chapter. I go on holiday very soon so my updates will be delayed last one for a week I reckon. Im trying to do updates before the Saturday episodes. :)**_

Chapter 6

I was on my way to work and had stopped off at Starbucks to pick up the biggest cafeine fix possible. I would need it if I was to get through today. Today was my first day back in the ED since I had collapsed and then proceeded to end my relationship with Nick. I had called Adam and explained the situation and he allowed me a few days compassionate leave to get my head round what was going on. I had spent most of this time on my sofa with wine and trashy TV feeling sorry for myself. Nick of course had tried his best to get to me. He had called me and paged me like a thousand times with such things like DR HANNA ARE YOU OK? PLEASE CALL ME and I JUST WANT TO KNOW YOU ARE OK, DONT DO THIS and blah blah blah. Of course I had completely ignored every single one. He had also been around to the house a couple of times and I hadnt answered. The final time he came around, he had brought me a bag of stuff "Ill just leave this bag on the doorstep then. I know how much you like your products". Sure enough he had packed me some things from his he thought I would need. Nick with his much more practical outlook to romance, he knew I would want this stuff rather than some tacky, vomit inducing flowers or chocolates. He had even took the effort to make a list of what I had in his bathroom and bought all new products, obviously highlighting that he still wanted my stuff in his bathroom and ultimately that he wanted me in his life. Only Nick could think of something like this, I could read him like a book now.

It was going to be difficult seeing him today, but pushing him away from me seemed like the only option I had right now. I couldnt deal with all this I had made my decision and was sticking with it. Over these past few days all Id done was think of Nick. I loved him like no other, which was a highly unfamiliar emotion for me to deal with. I loved spending time with him, he made me laugh. I was obviously attracted to him, who wouldnt be? With his stern face and that charming smile. Then I would think what our son would look like when he was older and how I would be keeping him away from all those girls if he looked anything like his dad. But, all these happy thoughts always led to the final inevitable outcome, Zoe Hanna would be alone bringing up a child, or children for that matter, providing my reproductive organs actually kick started themselves. I cant bring up myself, let alone have anyone depend on me. Nick would depend on me in his last days and I just wasnt strong enough to deal with this. Thats why I had decided it would be best for us both if it ended now and I was going to stick with it.

I parked my mini outside the ED and got out. I brushed down the creases in my pencil skirt and ajusted my shirt. I would be professional Zoe today and try my best to get through this. I walked through the doors to be greated by Lenny, Jay and Big Mac.

"Hey Zo you're back. Hope you're feeling better" Jay said

"Yeah you're just in time to buy us a round in the pub tonight" Mac said

"Oh cheers Mac, good to see you too" I said all smiles, putting on a brave face. He winked at me.

"Oh Dr Hanna thank god you're back you can sort out old grumpy pants. Mr jordan has been like a bear with a sore head these past few days. Pardon the pun"

My smile dropped at his name. Oh god how was I going to get through this. "Yeah well I need to get going, Im sure there's work you could be doing Dr Lyons."

I walked off in a rush and heard him whisper "Oh no not her as well. Trouble at the mill me thinks" I couldnt be bothered to give him a reaction, I just needed to get to my office I walked around the corner not really looking where I was going and walked slap bang into someone, knocking my paperwork out of my hands. I bent down to pick it up.

"Sorry, Im sorry i didnt see you there" I said hurridly. He bent down to help me pick the things up.

"Maybe you should look where you'e going next time Dr Hanna" I heard as I felt a hand clasp over the top of mine. It was Nick. Shit! Of all the people i could have bumped into it was him.

"Are you ok?" he said "Let me get these for you" He still had hold of my hand. I pulled it away.

"Im fine Mr Jordan I can manage" I uttered. He carried on picking up the remaining papers and i pushed him away and we both stood up.

"I SAID IM FINE!" I yelled. He slapped the papers into my chest, shook his head and walked off. Great start to the day, I thought.

I had stayed in my office for a while until I had gotten over that piece of drama. We had had a couple of patients come in and out of the crash room with various injuries and I was just clearing up after the last one. I would normally get one of the F2s to do the dogs work, but today I needed to keep myself busy and out of the way of Nick Jordan. I heard the crash doors open behind me.

"Dr Hanna do my eyes deceive me? You are clearing up." I gave him a sarcastic smile and turned back around to continure tidying up. Nick was defiantelty not going to let me get through today without making it irritatingly difficult for me. I proceeded to ignore him and he came over and leant on the work surface next to me. I turned my back to him and carried on cleaning. The atmosphere was awful and I just wanted him to leave.

"What are you going to do, ignore me for the rest of your life." He said

"No ignore you for the rest of *YOUR* life" I answered without looking at him. I knew it was an incredibly harsh thing for me to say and I couldnt believe i had said it. But i needed him to hate me, not love me, and if harsh Zoe was what it took, then thats what Id be.

"ooohhhh nasty. Its not going to work though. You playing the nasty card. You see, I know you dont mean it you're just scared." He replied to me and I walked to the otherside of the room.

"Oh I am am I?" I said.

"Look zoe we've been through the ringer together, this is suppossed to be the good bit."

"I dont think there will ever be a good bit with us" I kept my back to him and shook my head.

"Well you know what they say, its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"

"Well if you're going to stand here and hearl cliches my way then Ill say all good things come to an end nick." I paused and turned to face him as he looked me directly in the face for the first time. "THE END." I said in a raised voice. With that i walked out of the crash room and heard him bang his hand on the table top scattering surgical instruments everywhere.

This was defiantly going to be a bad day. I felt awful treating him like this but it was the only thing I could do.

Just as i walked past the nurses station, to go into my office and hide out of the way, Dr Lyons walked by me and uttered "Not so fast. Incoming. RTC. About turn Doctor Hanna. "

"Great" I replied and rolled my eyes at him, just as Dixie and Jeff enterd the ED with a motorcylclist with what looked like half his leg hanging off. I listened attentively to the patients obs and treatment etc etc and followed through to the crash room. Nick was still in there, much to my disappointment. I decided to take charge and show him who was boss.

"Ok guys this is Michael Fox been involved in an RTC got serious injuries to his leg. Had 5mg morphine and saline injections. He's tachycardic so lets check his ABCs and blood gasses, any more info you can fill us in on Dixie?" I sounded like the prestige consultant I should be, when deep down I was thinking of Nick. He looked at me and raised his eyebrows before walking over and starting treatment on the patient.

"Its Ok Mr Jordan I got it covered." I said to him irritated.

"Yes doctor Hanna Im just applying a second opinion. How we doing on those blood gasses and fluids Dr Lyons?" Nick replied, totally undermining me.

"I said Ive got it covered its fine." I continued, a slight rise and disgust in my tone of voice, so much so the other doctors and nurses were giving each other looks of suprise at my words.

"Blood gasses ok, fluids in. BP down and stats stabalised." Dr Lyons replied.

"Ok Dr Lyons please get Dr Winters in here immediately and fill her in on the stats. Dr Hanna a word please." He said. I looked at him as if to say whats going on? he raised his eyebrows and signalled me out of the crash room. "My office please" I felt like a teenager being summouned to the heads office. He opened the door for me and I entered before me.

"Look Nick this better be work related because thats my patient in there and I need to finish my treatment." I said angrily.

"I do not appreciate the attitude you are showing me infront of other members of staff and patients. It gives a very disrespectful and negative representation and I disapprove."

"WHAT? Im just trying to do my job here thats all. You were the one who butted in on my treatment." I was really pissed at him.

"As your clinical lead Dr Hanna, I have the right to be involved in any treatment that any doctor in this ED may give. Do you understand that?" He replied all clever.

"Yes I understand. What I dont understand is why you are making this PERSONAL! I came in for my shift today trying to act professional and all you have done is follow me around and make digs about our private life. SO LETS GET TO WHAT THIS IS *REALLY* ABOUT" I yelled right in his face.

"OK we will. I dont get you Zoe. I dont get why you push and push for me to have this operation, even risk your career and life for it. Then when you get what you want you toss me to the curb like some used piece of trash just because you are scared." He yelled back just as loud. God I was not used to such an explosion of emotion from him.

"Nick..." I started. I was feeling guilty now but he cut me off.

"Do you know what we are similar creatures like you said, but for a different reason We are both shit scared to settle down and let this be something. Do you really think I want to go through all this for what? 5 years. I could easily toss it off and have affair after affair until im gone. But I care about you Zoe. I want us to be together for gods sake I thank my lucky stars everyday that you signed that bloody consent form because it has given me precious time. Time to spend with you. Get it into your stubborn head I love you and..."

"Aggghhhhhh" I had a sharp pain in my stomach. It felt like somebody had stabbed me deep and was twisting the knife into my stomach. "Aggghhh shit" I said again and bent double holding my stomach. I tried to breathe but it hurt so much. I began to sweat and felt very dizzy.

"Zoe, Zo whats wrong?" He rushed over to me to help me get my balance. The pain in my stomach was excrutiating and I felt sick. I turned round and threw up behind me as I tried to lean against the wall. I heard him open the door to his office and he called for help. He then returned to me

"Tell me whats wrong where does it hurt?" He asked

"Its my stomach, agghhh shit." I said again grabbing hold of it. He lowered me down to the floor and looked into my eyes. "Its ok dont worry" He uttered as he stroked my cheek.

"Nick, theres something seriously wrong here." I said as I started to black out...

_**Poor Zoe she's really in the wars in this story. No pain no gain tho :) Sorry if all the medical bits are wrong, they just sounded good and Im not a doctor. If I was I wouldnt be writing this id be off saving lives and earning lots of cash. Please keep reviewing oh and my spell check aint working so sorry. **_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Well I lied, Ive updated again. I go on holiday the early hours of Sunday so this is defo going to be my last one for a while. Couldnt leave our Zoe all poorly now could I? I think its time for some good news for our two fave doctors hmmmm...**_

CHAPTER 7

The pain in my stomach was making me feel delirious. It was unbearable and I felt like i was not with it what so ever. Nick had called charlie and nobody else, who had proceeded to arrive with a wheelchair. They had both lifted me into it as I still bent forward clutching my stomach.

"Charlie can you call gynecology for me please, this is out of our hands. I assume that my confidence can remain in you?" I heard him say.

"As always Mr Jordan. Ill get straight onto it."

"Zoe I'm going to take your blood pressure OK and we are going to sort this out once and for all." He took my BP as I tried to remain focused on everything but the pain. I saw a look of dread on his face and he picked up his mobile.

"Dr Trueman, when you get this message please call me back immediately its an emergency." I heard him leave a message.

"Zoe I know you probably know this already but you need to try and breathe through the pain and stay as calm as possible. Your BP is off the scale and until we know whats going on, Idaren't give you anything for it." He looked worried. "Ok? Are you hearing me?" He continued

"Mmmm" I nodded "Eeasy for you to saaay." I replied. He smiled his warm, handsome smile which always made me melt inside.

"Right they are ready for her." Charlie said and winked at me.

"Listen Charlie, you are going to have to take her up. There are only myself and Doctor Winters senior enough in the ED right now, I'm trying to get hold of DR Trueman. " I looked over at him and could feel my eyes begin to film over with tears. Id never ever been so emotional as over the last few days, it was so unlike me. I put it down to the fertility treatment and hoped this newest episode would be as a result of that also. I really didn't want to be alone when they broke the news to me that the fertility treatment was working against me and now id never have children. He took my hand:

"Its ok. Ill be there as soon as Adam gets here ok?" I stroked the top of his hand with my fingers, and tried to say sorry with my eyes. With that Charlie sneaked me off into the lift and Iwas gone.

It had felt like forever since I had arrived in gynecology. I absolutely hated being a patient and would much rather be the one giving the treatment. They had taken bloods from me and then arrived back later with painkillers. I felt much better when they took effect and my BP had dropped significantly. I just wanted to go home now. I was really tired and I just needed a nice long soak in a bubble bath. I had told the doctors I was waiting for my "Partner" to arrive before I wanted to know what was occurring. I knew I would need some support and the nurses breaking the bad news to him was much easier than me having to do it after. Just then I saw him speed walk around the corner. He went to the nurses station and they pointed my way. He came rushing over.

"Hey. How are you feeling." He said as he put his hand to my forehead, "Has the pain gone down? What have they said?" He sat on the edge of the bed.

"Woah calm down you'll give yourself a cardiac arrest. I'm much better now good old painkillers eh?" I said trying to joke.

"You do look better just try and relax a bit, your blood pressure was a big concern back then. So what have they said?"

I looked down to the floor. In the space of today Id decided to live without nick, to being nasty to him, to yelling at him, to collapsing on him and then calling him my partner again. I don't know where we were and what the hell was going on.

"Im sorry about before. Im just so all over the place I didnt mean to be cruel" I said, hoping I didnt sound too desperate.

"Look lets just find out whats wrong with you before anything else ok? SO... do we know anything yet?"

"I said I was waiting for my partner and didnt want to know anything till you arrived." He smiled at me and took my hand again.

"Zoe, Zoe, Zoe what am i going to do with you." Just as he had spoken the doctor came over.

"Mr Jordan, hello nice to see you how are you keeping?" The doctor asked.

"Very well thank you and yourself?" He replied. I thought Nick would have hated the other doctors knowing about us, but he didn't seem bothered.

"Im great thanks. Same old really. Well do you want the bad news first or the good news?" The doctor asked. My throat went dry and I felt like I was gasping for air.

"Hit us with the bad news first Dr Leishman" Nick said.

"Well the fertility treatment you have been taking has had an adverse reaction on your system and it hasn't helped that you have been overdosing on the amount Dr Hanna." Nick looked at me his eyes opening really wide "WHAT?" He said in total disbelief.

"I know, I know it was stupid. Stupid Zoe strikes again. I just wanted it so badly to make you happy, well to make us both happy and i didn't want to have to tell you i couldn't and..."

"Zoe, calm down its ok" Nick replied reassuring me.

"Well the reason you have had an adverse reaction to the treatment and the increase in dose is because well... Congratulations. You are pregnant."

I swallowed. Had I heard right.

"Excuse me, I'm what?"

"Pregnant Dr Hanna. The blood tests confirmed it 110%. Congratulations Mr Jordan, i take it you are this partner we have been waiting for"

"eer... yeah.. yeah thankyou" He looked just as confused as me.

"Ill leave you to talk." The doctor must have sensed how uncomfortable we were. I could not be pregnant. I'd had 2 periods, although they were rather light, but we put it down to the fertility treatment. I had been really emotional and of course Id fainted but I just thought they were side effects after what the fertility clinic had said.

"I cant believe this. Ive had periods. Is this right?" I thought out loud.

"It is fullproof Zo, the blood tests confirm it. Oh my God I cant believe this. What are you thinking?" He asked me.

"Is this what you want Nick?" I asked

"Is this what YOU want" He replied

"I asked first" I said.

"Well Zoe you shouldn't need to ask. Of course its what I want. I'm just really shocked after what you said about periods etc etc. Its great news, the best isn't it?"

"Yes, its great it really is. But after everything Ive said..." He interrupted me,

"Oh to hell with what you said. I have 5 years not 55 years lets cut to the chase. Your sorry you didn't mean it you were scared as I said all along. I'm sorry for pressuring you blah blah blah. Now can we get on with being happy about this please." We both laughed for the first time in ages. He came over to me and gave me a massive hug and I returned it. His face was beaming like never before and I pulled his face to mine and gave him a long, deep, passionate kiss.

"Oh Dr Hanna, I take it we are back on the pleasure route again then, as appossed to the business one?" He said as he broke off the kiss.

"Shut up you goon and kiss me again." I replied.

It was at that moment that i realised I didn't give a damn anymore about myself. It was about whatever life was growing inside me and, of course it was about Nick. Sure it was going to be hard for me without nick around, but i was going to make use of every precious moment i had with him and build a life for my child. *OUR* child. It was time to stop being selfish and look what I had around me. A great man, and now an even greater miracle...

_**ooohh do i carry on? I like that as an ending awww. Well hope you liked my final chapter for a good week or so and I may decide to leave it at that what do you think? Please can somebody else write some Zoe/Nick stuff Im bored of Ruth and Jay and I need something to keep me going lol **_


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